


there's no escaping the harsh light of day

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 21:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18836851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: There is fear in his eyes, and Javi can't stand it."You don't love me?" Yuzuru asks, finally, and it sounds like his heart is breaking, and Javi wants to scream.'It's not my fault' he wants to yell 'It's not my fault.'





	there's no escaping the harsh light of day

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote it in class. It's sad. Kinda messy but I gotta say I like it hah  
> Title from 'Fireworks' by First Aid Kit

Javi blinks.

It doesn't feel real.

He looks down and sees washed out carpet of his hotel room. He moves his gaze to the wall, to an incredibly cheesy photo of Mount Fuji hanging there. He saw that view a dozen times, but he can't tear his gaze away, because then he would have to look at Yuzuru, and he's not sure if he can, not without screaming or crying, or both.

"Javi."

He watches dust dancing in the morning sun filling his room, and he wonders if maybe it isn't just a dream. He would like it. Just another painful dream, but he knows how to handle these-

"Javi."

He closes his eyes.

It's not a dream.

"Look at me."

He doesn't want to.

But he does it anyway. 

Yuzuru is watching him intently, the look Javi has seen on his face so many times before. But Yuzuru never looked at him with so much tenderness before, and Javi can't breathe, because he knows what it means, he knows, and it scares him.

And he doesn't want it.

"Please, say something." Yuzuru says, quietly, almost a whisper, and Javi feels himself shuddering a little at that tone, small and pleading.

"Why?" he asks, the word scratching his throat like a piece of glass "Why are you doing this?"

"I just told you." Yuzuru says, and there is a flash of hurt on his face, and Javi doesn't want to see it, because it's not his fault, it really isn't.

 _I love you_ Yuzuru said just a few minutes earlier  _Please, give me a chance._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_Give me a chance._

_Please._

"Why now?" Javi asks, because he needs to know, because it's not fair, and he wants to yell at Yuzuru for being so cruel to him "Why?" 

Yuzuru opens his mouth, but doesn't say anything, and it's like just now he is starting to realize that he might have miscalculated everything . 

There is fear in his eyes, and Javi can't stand it. 

"You don't love me?" Yuzuru asks, finally, and it sounds like his heart is breaking, and Javi wants to scream. 

 _It's not my fault_ he wants to yell _It's not my fault._

He did love Yuzuru, once. And got his heart broken so cruelly he thought he would never love again. But he healed, slowly and steadily, and now he is fine. He learned how to breathe and how to believe that the world wasn't ending with a broken heart. 

"I-" Javi stammers, his heart beating fast, his chest hurting, and he feels tears in the corners of his eyes, burning and helpless "I can't. I don't want to, I-" 

He's not the same. He's not the same boy who fell for Yuzuru all those years back. Now he has a life, far away from Yuzuru, and he has someone who makes him feel like the world is the most wonderful place. 

He is happy. 

And he can't be in love with Yuzuru, not anymore, not again, because he can't let his world to crumble down, not when he is finally calm and safe and loved. 

"You don't love me." Yuzuru says quietly, and it's not a question anymore. 

Everything hurts, and Javi wishes it never happened. 

 _I do love you_ he wants to say _Just not the way you want me to. Not anymore._

_Please forgive me, like I forgave you._

_Please._

 

* * *

 

It's so quiet Yuzuru can hear only his own heartbeat and Javi's ragged breathing. 

It feels like a dream. Not a good one, though. 

Rejection hurts, Yuzuru realizes, but not as much as knowing that it's all his fault. 

Javi's eyes are wet and Yuzuru wants to tell him that it's okay. That's it's not his fault, he sees that, and he was stupid to come here, and it was cruel from him to expect anything. 

Javi loved him, Yuzuru knows that. He knows, because Javi told him, and Yuzuru chose to break his heart instead of giving him his own on return. 

But he's not the same person anymore. He's not that foolish boy pretending not to feel anything. He learned that he needed people, and that it was okay to lose sometimes. He learned how to love Javi too, and maybe he realized that he needed him not only for his skating.

And he was hoping, oh so stupidly, that Javi would still choose him, despite everything, after all he did. 

But now, he knows the truth. 

 _You don't love me_ he said to Javi just a few moments before, and now Javi is looking at him with eyes that are wet and full of sorrow, reflecting all the chances Yuzuru missed. 

"I'm sorry." he whispers "I'm so sorry." 

He wants to say so many things. 

He doesn't. 

He should walk away. 

He can't. 

He watches how Javi takes a deep breath and finally they look each other in the eyes, and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

The silence stretches. 

Yuzuru never thought he would experience his biggest loss like that, in a hotel room, quiet, with Javi looking at him with eyes full of tears and sadness. 

But there he is. 

There he is. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading, don't hesitate to share your feelings in the comments :D


End file.
